And many of the brethren in the Lord, waxing confident by my bonds, are much more bold
​to speak the word without fear. 
Some indeed preach Christ even of envy and strife; and some also of good will: 
The one preach Christ of contention, not sincerely, supposing to add affliction to my bonds: 
But the other of love, knowing that I am set for the defence of the gospel. Php 1:14-17

This devotion is going to be one of a personal ongoing issue, that the Lord has prompted me to speak about and expose again. I delay doing this and wait, because I have no pleasure in speaking about any of this, but, God sees it, and He reveals it to me, and at times let's me know He wants something said; this is one of those times.

Once again for some time I've seen evidence from some of the bigger name ministries and people with blogs, radio shows, etc., that I've visited, listened to, and sometimes shared their material here. I've been doing this long enough to know how the system works, and the cliques, gossip, backbiting, and envy and contention that spreads throughout cyber-space. My stance on this remains the same-I'm not going to get involved in any of it, and will avoid it at all costs. 

When I started these websites, no one but God asked me to create them, and maintain them. No one works for me, or rules over me. I'm led by the Holy Spirit, and guided by Him in what is put here, and why. If I make a mistake, and I have at times, I admit it, delete the material, and keep going on-just like everyone else in their work. I've not intentionally attacked anyone, or accused anyone of anything personally, unless it's already public knowledge. There's been several cases that I've purposely stayed silent, and let God deal with people's problems, and faults, because I know how hard it is to work in this cycle of troublemaking, and competition. I'm not out to get anyone, or destroy anyone. I've actively forgiven, and posted and subscribed to some, who are going through great trials and even law suits now-because I know the "rest of the story" and know their hearts, and God does also. I know the power of forgiveness of God, and know very well that Satan is the accuser of the brethren. As much as possible, I'm not going to be one who he uses, to intentionally destroy anyone.

I know what it's like to be condemned by the vicious tongues and accusations of those who walk in their own self-righteousness, full of pride and arrogance, and feel they are on a special level with God. I could say much about this, but, it's not worth the time to do so. One day, everything done in the dark will be brought to the light by Christ. I'm content to leave it at that. But, I'll just say-watch your step, at a time you would never think it, you can well find yourself on your face, or on your back, lying on the ground, and find your steps have slipped and you've fallen, and found yourself one of us-who aren't perfect.

Before Paul was saved he had done many horrible things, and persecuted, imprisoned and had Christians killed. He lived with the memories and regrets of that the rest of his life, but he went on and obeyed the call of God on his life. Many of us in ministry came out of lives of great sin, and know what he dealt with, and what it cost him. Sadly, many times our greatest enemies are other believer's-it's been this way from the beginning.

If you do not forgive me, that's your decision. I've lived for many years walking in the peace and forgiveness Christ died to give to me. When I've fallen, He's picked me back up. He's been there through every trial of my life. Through the years of turmoil, hardship, commitment with my marriage to Lynn Couillard. He sustained me through those years, and kept me through the worst years of watching Lynn destroy himself by his own bad life choices, behaviors and stayed with him to the end. When he said to me one day that I'd have to choose Jesus or him, I chose Jesus, and Lynn divorced me. For two years, I was on my own, with my small daughter, and worked to try to put a life together for us. God worked in the situation, and through a great deal of prayer, we were re-married. Six months after this, Lynn had a massive heart attack and almost died at 36. The ongoing trials and God's interventions are in the book I wrote The NightWatchman, in it, many answers to prayer are recorded in it. He did receive Christ as Savior 9 months before his death in 2004, and I rejoice in that, and know we will meet again in heaven. But, I've also lived with the ache and sadness, knowing that his life could have been so much different, if he'd just turned around, and truly turned to Jesus, and allowed Him to change him, from the heart. I know what many women deal with, who live with a stubborn, rebellious man, who won't admit they are wrong, and what they do to themselves, and those they love. No one can tell me what it's like to surrender, and obey-I've walked the walk, and have learned to overcome, through the losses.

Going on with dealing with this contention issue-I've settled it from the start of this, that I was going to stay out of the loop of slanderers, faultfinders, false accuser's, and troublemakers. I'm not going to allow myself to be put into a place of being bribed, bought, blackmailed, and told what I can-and can't say or do here. That's why I won't play favorites, or throw out names, just to get attention. If I do mention anyone here on these websites-it's because of a specific topic, or situation that's of great importance to God, and their work involves it-period. I do not care in the least if anyone ever mentions my name, I could care less.

Not being in a position of being used, or stopped is costly, because you'll find, you are all by yourself, except for God alone. I wouldn't trade places with anyone- I have complete freedom to speak here and don't worry about someone's opinion as to whether they will reject me, or leave. My response is- your free to come here and benefit from the content, or, your free to leave. The choice is yours.

I'm not doing this for a pay check, I receive nothing from anyone for doing this work. It is truly a ministry, not a business-this is a huge difference. My boss, and Master, is the Lord Jesus Christ. I answer to Him alone, and will stand before Him one day, to hear His assessment of this work. I tremble at the truth of this, but, keep going on. If He ever tells me to stop, I'm ready to do so. So whatever my enemies think or attempt to do to conspire, they will have to go through Him. He is my covering.

I'll also add, to my knowledge, up to this day, I've not done anything intentionally to harm, mislead, or attack anyone here on the internet, for any evil purpose. I've called out injustice, and sin, and the persons own behavior reveals them, I don't have to accuse them falsely. But, this is rare, most of the time, I remain silent and let people live their own lives. I won't get involved in gossip sessions.

As a widow, here in my own area people may accuse, and spread lies, but that's what they are, and I ignore it. I'm here in my own home every day-minding my own business, and work here at my computer in my own office between 6 to 10 hours every day; studying, posting material, researching, and it keeps me very busy. I don't have time to waste, getting into trouble with people in the area here, who go from house to house, as a busybody. I stay as far away from this kind of trouble, as I can.

Between this, and the work involved in maintaining my home, vehicles, and responsibilities-it keeps me busy, and out of trouble. People should take the advice of Jesus, seek peace and pursue it, and seek the Kingdom of God. Let Him be the source of your need for approval, and importance. If He is first in your life, what other people think won't matter.
​Lorna Couillard

Paul addressed this issue well in these verses, and described what we who serve the Lord in ministry all face at some level. Some other verses that describe what we face are:
1Co 3:3  For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and walk as men? 
1Co 3:4  For while one saith, I am of Paul; and another, I am of Apollos; are ye not carnal? 
​2Co 12:20  For I fear, lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I would, and that I shall be found unto you such as ye would not: lest there be debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, swellings, tumults: 
Rom 16:17  Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. 
Rom 16:18  For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.

I'll add a few commentary devotions-from other's to bring other points out about this subject.

​“TO LIVE IS CHRIST, AND TO DIE IS GAIN”

​It was a matter of comparative indifference to Paul what happened to himself so long as the gospel progressed, because the extension of the gospel meant the growing glory of Jesus. He was quite content to be in bonds, if only by his chains he might gain access to new realms, hitherto untrodden, for proclaiming his Lord. He could even view with equanimity the envy and strife of some, if Jesus might be named to those who had never heard of Him, He was prepared to live or to die, that Jesus might be magnified. He was willing to remain for a little longer outside of heaven, if that would better serve the cause he loved. His main argument for consistency of life on the part of his converts was that the success of the gospel might not be impeded. It seemed good to suffer, if only it were on the behalf of Christ. Oh that we might experience a similar absorption in the great interests of the gospel!
It is clear from this paragraph that death is not an unconscious sleep. It is gain. It is a loosing from anchorage so that the soul may go forth on the broad ocean of God’s love. It does not interrupt our conscious fellowship with the Lord. The moment of absence here is the moment of presence there. To die is therefore gain.  (F.B. Meyer)

Preach the Gospel-In Every Situation
​What then? notwithstanding, every way, whether in pretence, or in truth, Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice, yea, and will rejoice. Php 1:18

Paul’s example is a rebuke to the excessive ecclesiastical spirit. He saw something good in the worst men who preached. Modern precisionists see the worst in the best men. Paul looked on the good side. Modern orthodoxy is disposed always to look on the bad side. If a vase was cracked, Paul turned it round and looked upon the side where it was not cracked. If a vase is cracked, we are disposed to turn it round and look on the side where the crack comes. Paul would certainly rather have men preach Christ that loved Christ; but rather than that Christ should not be preached he was willing that those who did not love Him should preach. (H. W. Beecher)

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen,
I will be exalted in the earth. Psa 46:10
+++++++
​Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall:
​for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Rth 3:18
​"Our Refuge and Strength"

The historical origin of this psalm cannot be certainly determined. Probably it was composed when Jerusalem was beleaguered by Sennacherib’s hosts, 2Ki_18:1-37. It befits every era in which the Church is in danger from her foes, and foretells the final destruction of Antichrist. It was Luther’s favorite psalm, and is rendered into verse in his memorable hymn, Ein’ Feste Burg. During the sitting of the Diet of Augsburg he sang it every day to his lute, standing at the window and looking up to heaven. The theme of the psalm is the security of God’s people, and this is elaborated in three stanzas, each of which ends with Selah.
Alone among great cities, Jerusalem lacked a river; but God was willing to become all that a river could be and more. Your deficiencies give more room for God’s all-sufficiency. Mark the beautiful alternative translation of Psa_46:5, “at the dawn of morning.” Your sorrow is limited to a single night. See also Isa_37:36; Mat_14:25. Be still, O troubled heart! The God of the nations is your Father! Desolations are the snapping off of the dead branches to prepare for the spring. (F.B. Meyer)

Charles Haddon Spurgeon-The Treasury of David

​“Be still, and know that I am God.” Hold off your hands, ye enemies! Sit down and wait in patience, ye believers! Acknowledge that Jehovah is God, ye who feel the terrors of his wrath! Adore him, and him only, ye who partake in the protections of his grace. Since none can worthily proclaim his nature, let “expressive silence muse his praise.” The boasts of the ungodly and the timorous forebodings of the saints should certainly be hushed by a sight of what the Lord has done in past ages. “I will be exalted among the heathen.” They forget God, they worship idols, but Jehovah will yet be honoured by them. Reader, the prospects of missions are bright, bright as the promises of God. Let no man's heart fail him; the solemn declarations of this verse must be fulfilled. “I will be exalted in the earth,” among all people, whatever may have been their wickedness or their degradation. Either by terror or love God will subdue all hearts to himself. The whole round earth shall yet reflect the light of his majesty. All the more because of the sin, and obstinacy, and pride of man shall God be glorified when grace reigns unto eternal life in all corners of the world.

The Safe Shelter

The two clauses which compose this sentence are so interwoven that each may be the cause and each may be the effect of the other. The way to know God is to be still, and the way to be still is to know God. It is one of these beautiful reciprocities which we often find between a duty and a privilege. The way to do the duty is to accept the privilege, and the way to enjoy the privilege is to do the duty.
​
I. Stillness is the condition of our knowing God. It does not say, "Be still, and know God." The very opposite is implied; for to know that He is God is almost in itself a confession that God is not to be known. "Be still, and know that I am," not a man, not to be estimated by human calculation, not to be measured by material movement, but the eternal, the infinite, the incomprehensible "God." (1) In order to know God there must be a silent power of reception. There is a great tendency to think that the benefit of our communion with God depends upon the energy of the thought or the strength of the affection which we put in it. It is far more important quietly to take in. God is sure to speak if the hush of your soul be deep enough. Heaven and earth are sure to reflect themselves if the mirror of your mind be calm enough. (2) Another element of stillness is veneration. We are greatly at fault in this matter. We walk rough-shod, and we intrude rashly, and we think superficially in the holiest things. God will not show Himself till the shoes are off the feet, till the thoughts are lowered, and the spirit subdued. (3) It is essential that any one who wishes to know and feel the being, and the presence, and the care, and the sufficiency of God should be much in secret with Him. The time you spend alone with God will always be the measure of your knowledge of God.

II. In the stillness you will learn (1) that God is from all eternity the same; (2) that God elects His own; (3) that the whole scheme of man’s salvation revolves within himself; (4) that all God’s attributes harmonize in Christ. This is stillness: The Lord is; the Lord liveth; the Lord reigneth.
(J. Vaughan, Fifty Sermons, 7th series, p. 46)

Duty Done at the Right Time
Then said she, Sit still, my daughter, until thou know how the matter will fall: for the man will not be in rest, until he have finished the thing this day. Rth 3:18

The Book of Ruth is a love-story told in four chapters. It gives us a glimpse of everyday life in Bethlehem; in home and in harvest-field, in its general gossip and its law-suits, more than three thousand years ago.
​
I. Glancing back over the lines of this sweet and pure pastoral idyll, we feel that rarely did human story more impressively demonstrate the unspeakable worth of lowly folk, the fine and favorable issues of seemingly suppressed lives, the hidden wealth of true and unobtrusive souls, for nations and for the race. Notoriety counts for nothing in the sum of things. The world’s future lay more in quiet Bethlehem, with Naomi and Ruth, than it did at the headquarters of Judge Eli. Let us not despise ourselves. God does not, and our future is with Him. Every name is historic in His estimate.

II. But we are not near enough to the heart of this story to hear its beat and feel its warmth, until we see that it is a true and tender, pure and heroic woman’s love that gives such grace to these Hebrew homes and confers such peerless worth on these lowly lives. The spell of the Book of Ruth is Ruth herself, and the chief charm of Ruth is her unselfish and devoted love.

III. Life and love lead to God. For life is God’s gift, and love is of God’s nature. "We love, because He first loved us." This is true of the love in the home as much as of the love of the Church. All pure and unselfish love comes from God and leads to God.

Thus the story of Ruth is a fragment in a missionary report. It tells of the conversion of a Gentile and illustrates the wisest way of winning souls. God saves the world by love, and we cannot succeed by departing from His method and ignoring His Spirit. Naomi is a typical home missionary, and Ruth is the pattern and prophecy of the success that crowns wise and loving labor.
(J. Clifford, Daily Strength for Daily Living, p. 119)

The Secret of the Quiet Heart

PARADISE HAS vanished from our world, as the picture of a landscape vanishes when swept by storm. And our race stands in much the same plight as did Naomi and Ruth in this old-world story. We have lost our inheritance, and the one barrier which stands between us and despair is the Person and Work of our Lord Jesus Christ. But, thank God, we need have no doubt as to the sequel. For as Boaz claimed back the estate for Ruth, so may we be confident that Jesus Christ will never be at rest till this sin-stained and distracted world is restored to her primitive order and beauty, as when the morning-stars sang for joy.

Jesus is our near Kinsman by His assumption of our nature. He is the nearest and dearest Friend of our race, who stooped to die for our redemption. And the fact that He carried our nature in Himself to heaven, and wears it there, is an indissoluble bond between us. Sit still! do not fret! He will never fail, as He will certainly never forsake.

Let us seek the quiet heart in our prayers. Prayer must arise within us as a fountain from unknown depths. But we must leave it to God to answer in His own wisest way. We are so impatient, and think that God does not answer. A child asked God for fine weather on her birthday, and it rained! Some one said, "God didn't answer your prayer." "Oh yes," she replied, "He did, God always answers, but He said No!" God always answers! He never fails. Be still. If we abide in Him, and He abides in us, we ask what we will, and it is done. As a sound may dislodge an avalanche, so the prayer of faith sets in motion the power of God.

In times of difficulty—be still! Thine enemies are plotting thine overthrow! They laugh at thy strong confidence! But hast thou not heard His voice saying: "This is the way, walk ye in it"? Then leave Him to deal with thy foes from whatever quarter they come. He is thy Rock, and rocks do not shake. He is thy High Tower, and a high tower cannot be flooded. Thou needest mercy, and to Him belongeth mercy. Do not run hither and thither in panic! Just quietly wait, hushing thy soul, as He did the fears of His friends on the eve of Gethsemane and Calvary. "Rest in the Lord, wait patiently for Him." "Be still, for He will not rest, until He hath finished the thing this day." (Our Daily Walk)

This prophetic message was given by me at a Sunday Service at Promise Land Church in Vermont on March 4, 2001, in the presence of the congregation with the permission of two pastors present:
"​As Ruth came and laid at Boaz' feet, he covered her with his skirt, protected her, and provided for her. He took her as his own, He was her near kinsman.
Come and lay at my feet, let me cover you with my garment. Rest with me, you are precious to me. Every drop of my blood that fell to the ground, cried I love you, I forgive you, you are mine. Let me hold you close to myself, I AM your kinsman Redeemer, let me protect you, cover you, provide for you. For consider this: Am I not greater than Boaz?"
​Lorna Couillard

He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.  1Jn 2:6
​​Doing and Knowing

​John assumes that the knowledge of God is as possible, is as real, for human beings as any knowledge they can have of each other. Nay, he goes further than this. There are impediments to our knowledge of each other which he says do not exist with reference to that higher knowledge. We may know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. I sometimes suspect that we give too loose a sense to that word "keep." No doubt it means to "obey." It does not mean more than that; for obedience is very comprehensive, a little too comprehensive for slow and narrow creatures such as we are. The word "keep," if we consider it, may help us to know what obedience is and what it is not. A friend gives me a token to keep for him; he wishes that it should remind me of him, that it should recall days which we have spent together. Perhaps it may be only a flower or a weed that was gathered in a certain place where we were walking; perhaps it is something precious in itself. If, instead of giving me anything, he enjoins me to do a certain act or not to do a certain act, I may be said as truly to keep that injunction as to keep the flower. To fulfil it is to remember him; it is a token of my fellowship with him, of my relation with him.

John began with this revelation of God to men in His Son. It was the ground of all his teaching. He had told the Ephesians already that there was that darkness, that covetousness, in them which Paul had found in himself, which had caused him so much horror. But he had told them also, as Paul had told them, that they were not created to walk in this darkness; that they might walk in the light which Christ had revealed, and have fellowship with it. So now, taking this for granted, he could tell them that these commandments might be kept as the commandments of a God who was at one with them in His Son, and that the more they kept them the more they would know of Him. Many in that time said, "We know God; but what are the commandments, what is common earthly morality, to us?" "I tell you," says John broadly and simply, "that if they are nothing to you, God is nothing to you." You may use what fine language you will; you may have what fine speculations you like; but it is in practice, in that daily practice of life, in the struggle with the temptations to cheat and slander, to be unchaste and to be covetous, which beset us all in different ways and forms, it is in revering parents and the name of God, it is in heeding God’s rest and God’s work, it is in keeping ourselves from idols, it is in worshipping Him as the common Deliverer, that we come to know Him—thus, and only thus.
(F. D. Maurice, The Epistles of St. John, p. 69)

Walk As He Walked

​Why should Christians imitate Christ? They should do it for their own sakes. If they desire to be in a healthy state of soul-if they would escape the sickness of sin, and enjoy the vigor of growing grace, let Jesus be their model. For their own happiness' sake, if they would drink wine on the lees, well refined; if they would enjoy holy and happy communion with Jesus; if they would be lifted up above the cares and troubles of this world, let them walk even as he walked. There is nothing which can so assist you to walk towards heaven with good speed, as wearing the image of Jesus on your heart to rule all its motions. It is when, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you are enabled to walk with Jesus in his very footsteps, that you are most happy, and most known to be the sons of God. Peter afar off is both unsafe and uneasy. Next, for religion's sake, strive to be like Jesus. Ah! poor religion, thou hast been sorely shot at by cruel foes, but thou hast not been wounded one-half so dangerously by thy foes as by thy friends. Who made those wounds in the fair hand of Godliness? The professor who used the dagger of hypocrisy. The man who with pretenses, enters the fold, being nought but a wolf in sheep's clothing, worries the flock more than the lion outside. There is no weapon half so deadly as a Judas-kiss. Inconsistent professors injure the gospel more than the sneering critic or the infidel. But, especially for Christ's own sake, imitate his example. Christian, lovest thou thy Savior? Is his name precious to thee? Is his cause dear to thee? Wouldst thou see the kingdoms of the world become his? Is it thy desire that he should be glorified? Art thou longing that souls should be won to him? If so, imitate Jesus; be an "epistle of Christ, known and read of all men."  (Morning & Evening Charles Spurgeon)

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD
​thy God giveth thee. Exo 20:12
For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death.  For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition. Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching
​for doctrines the commandments of men.  Mat 15:4-9
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 
Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) 
That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. Eph 6:1-3
​The Fifth Commandment

​The relationship in which we stand to our parents, a relationship based upon the fact that we owe our existence to them, that we are made in their image, that for so long a time we depend on them for the actual maintenance of life, and that, as the necessary result of all this, we are completely under their authority during childhood—this relationship is naturally made the highest symbol of our relationship to God Himself.
II. Honouring our parents includes respect, love, and obedience as long as childhood and youth continue, and the gradual modification and transformation of these affections and duties into higher forms as manhood and womanhood draw on.
III. The promise attached to the commandment is a promise of prolonged national stability. St. Paul, slightly changing its form, makes it a promise of long life to individuals. Common experience justifies the change.
IV. There is one consideration that may induce us to obey this commandment which does not belong to the other nine: the time will come when it will be no longer possible for us to obey it.
(R. W. Dale, The Ten Commandments, p. 120)

Important point: How far we are to honor and obey our parents (see Col_3:20). We are to obey our parents in everything so far as their commands agree with those of God, and no further; if they required us to steal, or lie, or cheat, or do anything wrong, we should not be called to obey them. But, it is not probable that your parents will ever require you to do anything of this kind; and in all other cases you are bound to obey them.

What is it to honor parents? To obey them in all that is right, when they require it. To do what is right whether they require it or not. To respect their feelings in reference to the choice of companions or of a profession. To act on all occasions so as not to make their parents ashamed of their conduct.

Mat_15:4. Die the death.—The expression “let him die the death” is idiomatic, but now obsolete. It is intended to be emphatic—let him die the death (which is the appropriate penalty of such a crime). The Hebrew expression is also idiomatic, and idiomatically emphatic; and so is the Greek expression, which literally means “let him come to his end by death” (ibid) Why did Jesus make this statement?

Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God: Some Jewish people of Jesus’ day had a way to get around the command to honor your father and mother. If they declared that all their possessions or savings were a gift to God that were especially dedicated to Him, they could then say that their resources were unavailable to help their parents.

“This convenient declaration apparently left the property actually still at the disposal of the one who made the vow, but deprived his parents of any right to it.” (France)

By using this trick, they could completely ignore and disobey the command, and Jesus was exposing their hypocrisy to their faces.
​
When I worked in health care, and took care of seniors, I saw this played out over and over again, when family members would bring in their elderly mother/father with a small bag or suitcase of their belongings and drop them next to the bed, and stay a few minutes, and then leave them with us. Quite often, we'd not see them very much, sometimes never again. I learned to expect this kind of thing, so don't think just because you've given everything you can to them and sacrificed and loved them by doing without for them, that you'll get the same in return. I found out, you cannot count on that.
​Lorna Couillard

My Parents Influences-Priceless

Mother's day is coming again soon, this Sunday. Many memories of my parents and my mother have been going through my mind for several days. They weren't perfect, there were trials, mistakes, wrong decisions, but, there was also steadfast love, and a foundation of commitment between them to raise their kids the best they could and raise us to be responsible people. Throughout the hard times, I saw that steadfastness over and over again. Regardless of the mistakes and wrong decisions we made, they worked with us, provided for us, and took care of our needs, and we knew they loved us. I regretted some of the ways I treated my parents, and am thankful they lived long enough for me to wake up, and was able speak to both of them and apologize for the way I had spoken to them, and treated them with disrespect, when I was a stubborn, headstrong, arrogant teenager. I wanted them to know that I realized the cost it was for them to put up with me, and keep on dealing with my sarcasm, disrespect, carelessness, and cruelty in my behavior toward them growing up. I had a chance to tell them it wasn't a waste of time, I finally saw myself, and was ashamed of the way I treated them, and asked for their forgiveness, and thanked them for the years they put into bringing me up. I knew the hardships they had to deal with with each one of us, of seven kids.

They both had grown up during the Great Depression and were both from big families in the Adirondacks of N.Y., and their childhood was not easy. There were many hardships and doing without, they couldn't afford luxuries. They learned how to make money stretch, and use what they had, and not waste anything. It's paid off for me in life. A home with no mortgage gives a peace of mind that I am thankful for and have learned the value of making paying my bills first, a priority. If you don't pay your bills first, no one will be there to pay them for you. These are some qualities of life, my parents instilled in us. I also observed that my parents love for each other remained as solid as long as they lived. They had disagreements, sometimes serious ones, but, their love for each other overcame them all. I learned by watching them, how love develops and remains as steady as a flowing river, and like a river, may have bends and curves along the way. I've cherished many lessons from watching them as they met every trial and found ways to make things work, and stay committed to each other.

When they both came to the time in their lives that age and illnesses began to overtake them, Lynn and I both took care of our parents until their deaths. We wanted to do this, we wouldn't have it any other way. When Lynn's mother came down with cervical cancer, he and his sister took turns staying with her until her death. She remained in her home, with nurses coming in regularly. 
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When my father was suffering from lung cancer, I'd make the trip to N.Y. every other weekend to see him, knowing he was terminal, and that at any time, it may be the last time I'd see him. This went on about a year, until his death on Christmas day in 1977. Over the next years, I'd make regular trips to N.Y., to stay with mother a few days, and check on her to see if she needed anything, and visit with her. Then in 1997, she came down with a serious injury with her foot, and had to have a partial amputation, this caused her to need daily care, and we had her come to live with us here in Vermont. Mother stayed with us until my husbands death in 2004. The same year, in the fall, she broke her upper leg just below the hip, and was wheelchair bound from that point on. Serious complications made it necessary for her to go into a nursing home, because of the infections in her foot, that needed constant care. I'd visit just about every day, and bring her to the house for full days, as long as she was strong enough. However in early 2008 she began to decline rapidly. That Easter Sunday, when I and my brother took her back to the nursing home, we both knew this would be the last time. She was put to bed that evening, barely conscious. Within 10 min. the nurse came to me and said mother had lapsed into a coma, and from there she never regained consciousness. I remained with her for the next 3 days, until she passed away, close to 2:00 a.m. in the morning of the 27th of March. Shortly after this my oldest brother died also that same year in June. Then the next year in 2009 my eldest sister also died, starting with Lynn's death in 2004-it was a long series of losses. But, we will meet again, on that better shore.

Below is a short devotion and the picture described in it-as I sat and watched mother sketch it as she doodled at her kitchen table. Also, a picture of the two of us together, during one her visits with us when we lived at Cheney Four Corners in Newbury Vt.-much happier days. It brings back many memories of days gone by, and many things shared together that money could never buy.

I'm looking forward to that day when I leave this world, and join her, my father and many other family members, and Lynn who are now there waiting for me, as they said they would be-it will be a reunion, like no other. But, the only reason I have this assurance of seeing them again, is that I know each of them received Christ as their Savior, and had opened their hearts to Him, and received His salvation before they died. I hope if your reading this, you will do the same, and open your heart to Jesus, and let Him in, and receive His salvation.
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They are with Jesus, and have the joy of being in His presence, and His great love, and they are enjoying the home that He prepared for them, and will never have to leave it. I'm longing to see His face, and know His embrace, and the reality that I'm finally home, forever.
Lorna Couillard
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Joh 14:1  Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 
Joh 14:2  In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 
Joh 14:3  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. 

​At the Kitchen Table